It’s a harsh, yet delicate time, when you discover that you have been betrayed by someone you allowed into your heart.
As if the depth of pain wasn’t disorienting enough, unchallenged misbeliefs and predetermined stances cause more confusion and trauma by keeping you stuck in pain.
Unhealed, people can keep experiencing betrayal on repeat, in the same or other relationships. Deep healing ensures betrayal doesn’t follow you around
People want to heal and get back to peace and wholeness but it’s hard to find sound wisdom and clear guidance on how to Make it to the Other Side Betrayal.
In the next few weeks I will go over some common derailing misbeliefs that perpetuate the pain and violations of betrayal. Misbeliefs I wish ‘I’ knew to look out, as they would have exponentially decreased the length and depth of my own betrayal trauma. Here’s the first one:
1) I must decide as soon as possible if I am going to STAY or LEAVE.
Truth is: Betrayal is a crisis. The shock disorients and compromises all of your faculties: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.
You are not yourself. You are a shocked and confused version of you. You have the highest likelihood at that moment to make a decision that you will regret later.
The ‘right decision’ for YOU requires YOU to be the most clear and calm version of YOU.
Allowing the crisis to pass, using it to connect to the most authentic, calm, and connected version of you will allow you to discern what’s right for you.
Pro Tip: Easiest way to recognize you are making a decision from your shifting emotions rather than your stable wisdom is noticing urgency or threat in your self-talk (if you don’t decide now you’ll be a pushover, etc). This part of you keeps changing its mind, you’ll feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. This part of you can not be trusted to make a decision you won’t regret later.
The first thing to clarify when you are considering whether to STAY OR LEAVE is to answer: What do I want to experience from my calm stability? It’s not about what’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.
It’s about what will get you CLOSER to ‘what you want to experience’ and what will get you FARTHER AWAY from ‘what you want to experience’.
If I use the criteria that ‘what you want to experience’ is a sense of safety, well-being and feeling of being whole (vs fragmented and broken), then:
👍Reasons to LEAVE that will lead you to ➡️ more safety and wholeness:
- I don’t feel emotionally and/or physically safe in this relationship, I’ll leave now before I lose my nerve.
- I will hurt myself or others emotionally and/or physically if I stay.
- If I don’t leave I will lose my sense of who I am.
- The quality of the relationship was pretty low even before the betrayal, I’m not in love with my partner anyway.
👎Reasons to LEAVE that will lead you to ➡️ more confusions and disintegration:
- I’ll show them what happens if they cheat on me (resentment, revenge).
- What will others say if I stay? (over-responsibility, role-playing).
- I told them I would leave them if they cheat on me so now I must leave (misbelief).
- Once a cheater always a cheater so I’m leaving (misbelief).
👎Reasons to STAY that will get you to ➡️ more confusions and disintegration:
- I will look like a pushover if I stay. (shame)
- I am going to fix/heal my betraying partner. (over-responsibility, role-playing)
- As a good wife/husband/religious person/mother I should stay. (role-playing + secret-sacrifices turn into secret-transactions later. Not fair to kids)
- I’m scared of leaving so I’m going to stay. I won’t find anyone else. (low regard for self)
- I’m in a secret competition with the affair partner. I’m going to stay to win. (low regard for self)
- They cheated because I wasn’t available. I’m going to stay to redeem myself now. (guilt, low regard for self)
- I am used to them, I don’t know how to function without them. (low regard for self)
- They hurt me, now they have to fix me. (guilt, penance)
- I want to hurt them too, I’ll make their life miserable (resentment, revenge).
- They owe me for the pain they have caused. I have the ‘power of victimhood’ now. I’ll use the guilt to make them do everything I always wanted them to do (resentment, revenge).
👍Reasons to STAY that will get you to ➡️ more safety and wholeness:
- I don’t feel stable/secure enough to leave right now. I am clear that ‘I am staying for me’, because ‘I’ want to – not for my kids, or anyone/anything else.
- I may leave but I can see that I am too angry, sad, shocked to make a decision right now. I have the right to take some time to think. I am staying ‘with my eyes open’.
- I can stay enough to see if my partner will bring about the changes and get the help they need. If not, I’ll leave.
- I took care of the person who has betrayed me. I am staying because I need financial or physical stability to develop myself and then I will decide if I want to leave or not.
If you need more guidance, reach out to me, and let’s talk.
Next week I’ll address:
- “I want ‘all’ the information on what happened so I can feel comfortable.”
- “I’ll be okay if they stop betraying me.”
- “Is once a cheater, always a cheater?”
If you are curious how to heal your pain for the last time and get to the other side of infidelity then reach out to me, and let’s talk about what that will look like for YOU.
You can also attend the live workshop: How to Make It On the Other Side of Infidelity, where I teach what most people and professionals miss about healing betrayal at the root. Only $45 with half donated to a Women and Children Shelter + a Private Coaching Session – only a few spots left.
PS: Here are two ways YOU can experientially learn about healing what has remained unhealed till now:
- The School for Transformational Healing where personal miracles and freedom are a given
- Private Coaching: one on one sessions with me
PLUS, some more ways YOU can learn to experience deep healing and freedom:
1. Upcoming Self-Paced Courses for $275 each + Private Coaching Session:
- The Unstuckness Workshop
- Re-Learn Love
- I Don’t Like What’s Happening In My Life
2. Also – an upcoming is a Quiz that helps you locate your Personal Barriers to Creating Your Best Life.
3. You can read the previous newsletters here