Tinder, Bumble, Zook, and the whole arsenal of dating apps can become a menace when trying to find lasting love. The people looking for a quick hookup overshadow the many people that are looking for love and connection.
The seclusion during the Covid-19 pandemic has made Twitter and online dating ever before.
It has never been more important to become wiser when navigating through these apps. Here are some tips to keep you centered, safe, and victorious.
People Are More Than A Swipe:
Unless we are conscious we can forget that what we are swiping left and right are actual people. They get their hopes up, get hurt, and feel rejected like all of us.
Strike a balance between taking over the management of other people’s feelings and not being just callous with others.
The rule of thumb is to treat others like you’d like to be treated. It’s important to define your personal values and bring them into the digital dating world. (Contact me for the Values Worksheet).
If you skip this step you might take over-responsibility and end up with someone you are dating because you feel sorry for them. If you are callous with the emotions of others you may end up forgetting who you are because of the process. There is hurt in either one of those scenarios.
Get Clear On Your Intention & Boundaries:
Before you get to the ‘swipe right or left’ screen make sure you are clear on what your intention and boundaries are. Make a little compass for yourself by asking yourself questions like: Am I looking for love, marriage, just sex? What do I want to feel and experience? What am I willing to put up with and what is a definite no for me?
Keep this compass at the forefront every time before you open the app and let the intention guide you. I
t’s important to mention that even though it’s important to tell others about your boundaries it is solely your responsibility to remember them and ensure they stay intact. It’s a waste of time to be upset with others for breaking your boundaries when that was your responsibility all along.
If you skip this you are likely going to get burnt out or waste a lot of time and energy on what doesn’t ultimately align with you.
Don’t Become Someone’s Passtime:
Relationships that begin online have the tendency to stay online. Texting takes minimal effort.
If you don’t want to become someone’s way of easy-pastime when they are bored then lookout for people who only want to text and rarely have time to speak, meet up, or have more meaningful interactions.
If you want to be with someone who is worth your time then ask for their time by keeping your texting to a minimum and moving to talking on the phone and video call as quickly as you feel comfortable.
If everything feels good, arrange to meet them in person sooner than later but for a short meeting like coffee at first.
If you skip this you are at risk of wasting time, energy, and attention by getting attached to someone who doesn’t make time for you. The pursuit of someone who ignores you can become addictive and the longer you stay in that situation the harder it’ll be to leave.
Too Nice To Be Safe?:
Keep basics in mind: meet in public places, don’t accept open drinks, have a safe way to get home, keep a friend informed of your whereabouts at all times, keep your phone charged.
Most importantly stay tuned with yourself. If something doesn’t feel safe then it’s not safe. Don’t let others convince you that it is.
Don’t be too nice to say ‘no’. Always remember this: if someone has the audacity to ask you something then you can have the audacity to say ‘no’ without apology. People have gotten hurt terribly because they were too nice to say ‘no’.
If you skip this you might put yourself at some real risk or at the least you can let a few bad eggs spoil dating for you.
Coffee Dates & Quick Meetups:
Keep an eye on the tempo of the interactions. You’ll know early on who is passing time, passing through, and who is worth your time and attention. If you feel interested then make the move quickly from texting to talking to video chatting and as quickly as possible meet in person but in a public place and for a short while. A coffee date for 30 min is just right.
Don’t Let Any Date Go To A Waste.
There is a reason people come into our lives. Whether the date works out or not, make it work for you by tuning in and asking yourself what you can learn from it. Our primary goal in life must be that of personal evolution as all the other goals stem from it.
If you skip this you’ll keep running into the same problems with different people and you’ll think it’s fate or a bad mistake. It’s guidance. It’s an opportunity for personal evolution.
Don’t Be The Only One To Commit:
Most people who are using Tinder and other dating apps are dating several people at once. It’s a mistake to assume you are exclusive without checking with the other person. It’s a mistake to start cutting off with other potential people unless you have the ‘are we exclusive talk’.
If you skip this you can be stuck in a relationship for years in girlfriend or boyfriend status.
Watch Out For the Guilty Makers:
Know this rule of thumb: if someone is making you feel guilty they are trying to manipulate you. Guilt, manipulation masked as love, has become such a common theme that most people are not consciously or diabolically doing it, but the effect is the same. It’s your responsibility to make sure you don’t get weaved in.
You lose yourself to serve another. You can make choices against yourself. The only remedy is to become conscious of who you are, what you want, and not to forget it. If you pretend to like something that you actually don’t like (in the name of ‘being nice’) then ‘you’ll’ be the one manipulating the others. Ultimately, it’s worse to be dishonest when you don’t want to do something than actually saying ‘no’.
If you skip this you’ll agree to things, people, and situations that you don’t want. You run the risk of waking up years later and not recognizing the life you have agreed to.
Don’t Forget To Love ‘You’:
The secret to successful relationships is to have a strong, loving, fulfilling, and secure relationship with yourself. You’ll know the quality of your relationship with yourself by noticing how you talk to yourself, especially when you mess up.
If you are in good standing with yourself you are going to attract partners that will be in good standing with you as well. Give yourself the love, tenderness, care, and benefit of the doubt that you give others you love. If you are on your side, you’ll be unstoppable and definitely unhurtable.