Narcissism couldn’t be more different than self-love; infact it’s the opposite of self-love.
Despite how much fun we think narcissists have, being a narcissist is a difficult and full-time job. If you go to a gathering, you might relax, meet people, hear their stories and be happy for their updates, adventures, and accomplishments. The narcissist on the other hand cannot rest. As people share their good news the narcissist has such a weak sense of self and such a great amount of fear that they take it as a personal challenge to prove to everyone that they have a better story, a better adventure, that they are better and more valuable.
There is no rest for the narcissist, they are always working to bring balance to the imbalance of attention they feel all around them. This is not a cognitive decision they make, they just feel so unsafe so easily that whenever someone else appears to be better than them, that they have to create the balance by inflating themselves just so they can feel okay.
Which ‘You’ Are You Loving?
One of the biggest reasons self-love is confused with narcissism is because it isn’t clear which ‘self’ you are loving.
As Richard Schwartz explains in his theory Integrated Family Systems or IFS, all of us have different parts within our psychological and emotional consciousness.
There can be a part of me that knows I am valuable, capable, and deserving of love. There can be another part of me that may feel the opposite and feel that my value and worth has to be earned and that my capability is appraised by how pleased others are of me. There can be many parts of me that take various stances in between these two polar parts.
Most of the parts that can be categorized as being based in fear and anxiety. Fear that has remained unhealed from past life experiences and personal tragedies. These fear-based parts make up our survival system, aka, the defense mechanism or ego. We hear these parts speaking to us in our self-talk. Our self-talk is incessant, it begins the moment you wake up and likely speak as you are dreaming. You are likely talking to yourself right now as you are reading this.
Each of us also has a calm part within us where our deep inner wisdom and knowing is present. Unlike information and knowledge that can change, this deep inner wisdom and knowing is stable. The stance our inner knowing takes is not dependent on any information outside itself.
This calm and stable center is present within all of us. In psychology it is called the authentic self. In spirituality it is called soul. In yogic traditions it’s called the inner counselor. In some of the latest self-help literature it is referred to as the super-human.
Your authentic self is the truest essence of who you are. It’s basically ‘you’ minus your fear.
One of the best ways to understand which voice within you is your ego vs your authentic self is to know that the ego always speaks with urgency, threats, and judgments.
Your authentic self is the part of you that is aware of the voice of the ego and can observe the urgency and the threats from a place of calm. There are tools and skills you can use to exercise and strengthen this part of you and become a constant observer of your ego from a place of calm.
One of the most significant self-work you can do that can change the experience and outcome of your life is to learn how to work with the various parts of yourself such that no matter what is going on outside you, you can have the option to connect to this ever-presnt calm, stable, and wise place within you.
As humans we often cannot choose what happens to us or which cards we are dealt, we are the only creatures that have the capability to choose how we want to feel regardless of what is happening outside us.
Read the next part of the Self-Care in the next Newsletter: What Self-Love Really Means: Honoring All Parts of You.